


Changes

by tiigi



Category: Big Time Adolescence (2020)
Genre: Asexuality, Canon Divergence, Coming Out, Fluff, Internalized Phobia kind of, M/M, Minor Angst, my emotional support fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-11
Updated: 2020-04-11
Packaged: 2021-03-02 00:42:27
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,380
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23586316
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tiigi/pseuds/tiigi
Summary: They’ve only been dating for two weeks before it becomes a problem.
Relationships: Monroe "Mo" Harris/Zeke Presanti
Comments: 10
Kudos: 24





	Changes

**Author's Note:**

> not what I planned to write but oh well :’)

They’ve only been dating for two weeks before it becomes a problem.

In all honesty, ‘dating’ is a term that Mo uses lightly and two weeks doesn’t really encompass the lifetime they’ve spent with each other already. The brief year they spent apart is nothing more than a blip on Mo’s timeline now. The transition from a platonic to a romantic relationship felt like the shift between sleep and consciousness. It was easy– comfortable. Looking back on it, Mo can’t believe there was ever a time where he couldn’t just reach over and hold Zeke’s hand, run his fingers through Zeke’s hair. He can’t remember what that was like, and he doesn’t want to.

But if he has to be specific, they’ve been an official couple for two weeks. Mo is still living at home until he can find his own apartment and even now Zeke isn’t exactly a welcome guest with Mo’s parents, so they mostly hang out at Zeke’s place. This isn’t surprising - they’ve been hanging out there ever since Mo was nine - but now it’s different. Now, when they hang out, it’s a _date._

Zeke, to Mo’s guilty surprise, is actually a really good boyfriend. He doesn’t go as far as making dinner because Zeke is more likely to burn the house down and Mo has accepted that by now, but he still pays for takeout and sets up a movie in his living room. More often than not, Mo will drift off to sleep with his head on Zeke’s shoulder, because the collection of DVDs they have to choose from range from the first _Fast and Furious_ to the seventh, and they don’t exactly capture Mo’s interest. 

It’s one of these dates that it first becomes a problem. As much as they’ve hung out together, held hands, even made out on occasion, they’ve never taken it any further. Mo had been expecting Zeke to reach for at least third base by now, but for whatever reason he’s been taking things slow. Mo, perhaps unfairly, has been making the most of this. Things will change afterwards, and he’s scared he’s going to lose something he only just got. 

“Are you okay?” Zeke is breathless when he speaks, his eyes heavy lidded and his lips pink. Mo pulled away when things started to get heated and now, looking at Zeke’s concerned expression, he feels like shit.

“Yeah,” Mo says, though something in his voice must give him away. Zeke frowns and cups Mo’s cheek in his hand.

“What’s going on?” He asks. “Talk to me, babe. Are you alright?”

“Yeah,” Mo draws his legs up onto the sofa and sits with his chin resting on his knees. He must look small and pathetic enough for Zeke to worry, because he quickly fumbles for the television remote and mutes the film that’s playing. Mo watches the pictures flash by for a second, even though he hasn’t been paying attention and they make no sense to him: anything to avoid the conversation that’s about to happen.

“You wanna tell me what’s going on?” Zeke says, and then, after a few moments of Mo’s hesitant silence, “Listen, Mo, if I made you uncomfortable–”

“No!” Mo says quickly, even though that isn’t strictly true. 

“ _Mo!_ Just let me… if I made you uncomfortable, okay, just tell me? I really like you, Momo. Whatever pace you wanna take this, I’m okay with that. You want to take this slow, I’m down for whatever.”

Mo hates how there’s a little voice in the back of his head that reminds him of Zeke’s past. Zeke used to date Mo’s sister. Zeke cheated on Mo’s sister. Zeke probably said this very same thing to Mo’s sister…

But that’s not fair. Zeke has changed so much in the last decade and Mo can’t just hang his past over his head like a reminder of everything he used to be. What kind of boyfriend is he if he doesn’t trust Zeke’s ability to change?

“What if I don’t… want to do anything?” Mo asks, twiddling his thumbs. He can’t meet Zeke’s gaze and he won’t let himself resort to biting his fingernails.

“Mo, that’s _fine._ I’m never gonna make you do something you–”

“No, like,” Mo swallows hard, tucks his face into his chest to make himself as small as possible. “What if I don’t want to do anything… ever?”

Zeke doesn’t reply. Mo feels sick in the following silence. Each passing car feels like an earthquake and each tick of the clock sounds like a gunshot in Mo’s head. He should have told Zeke before they even got together, shouldn’t have put him in the awkward position of having to dump Mo, of having to be the bad guy.

“You don’t want to have sex with me? Like, ever?” Zeke’s voice is small and hurt. Mo can’t blame him, because it isn’t like he explained that very well and he certainly didn’t choose a good time to drop a bombshell like that, but Zeke sounds like he’s been personally offended and Mo never wanted that. He bites the bullet and finally looks Zeke over, taking in the slump and the hunched shoulders, the defensive, empty expression. Mo’s stomach lurches.

“I didn’t mean it like that,” he says. He’s never had to explain this before - it’s never been relevant before. He’s messed around a few times and promptly decided he never wanted to do that again. He doesn’t want his family knowing anything about his sex life, and Zeke is the first partner he’s ever actually had.

It’s the first time Mo has ever had to confront the feelings that have been building inside him for so long; he’s scared, because how can he ever have a normal relationship? Does this mean he can’t have kids? Will Zeke - will _anyone_ \- want to be with him like this? But also the confusion; realising he would get crushes on other boys as a kid was easy, was simple. He’s never had any problem understanding the fact that he might fall in love with another man, and so coming out the first time as bisexual seemed like the next logical step. Only then…

Then he had to question it, because he got older and he got more mature and whilst everyone else was interested in sex, Mo just never got the memo. He finds Zeke beautiful, of course. His tattoos are pretty - even the dumb ones - and Mo likes it when he walks around in his underwear and socks because, to Mo, he has a perfect figure. Mo can still appreciate beauty. He just… doesn’t want to have sex with Zeke. He doesn’t want to have sex with anyone. He’s tried so hard over the years to be turned on, to have sex and enjoy it, but it just never happened. It seemed relieving after all that stress to come to a conclusion, to give himself a label: asexual.

Sadly, the aftermath was anything but.

“Mo?” Zeke reaches out and takes one of Mo’s hands gently in his own. “Momo, can you talk to me?”

This is a technique, Mo knows, that Zeke learnt in therapy. He’s proud of him for being able to use it now, in a real life situation where communication is important. The old Zeke would make a joke to cover the hurt, would pull away and avoid Mo altogether for the next few days, but this Zeke takes Mo’s hand and asks for an explanation. This Zeke wants to work through it together. This is how Mo knows he’s changed.

“I don’t want to have sex with anyone.” Mo says out loud for the first time. It feels like a world of anxiety has been lifted off his shoulders. It feels like he can breathe freely for the first time in ages. Whatever happens now, at least he’s been honest.

Zeke blinks in confusion. “What do you mean?” He asks, sounding genuinely baffled. “Everybody wants to have sex with someone.”

Mo snorts out a laugh. Even when he’s not trying, Zeke can lighten the mood in any serious conversation. 

“Not everybody,” he says, shrugging. When he sees the confusion written plainly on Zeke’s face, he elaborates. “I don’t know, man. I’ve just never really been into sex. I don’t know what to say. Naked people don’t really turn me on.”

Zeke is still holding his hand, although he does lean back a little when he says, “Are you sure you’re definitely into guys?”

This time, Mo doesn’t try to hold his laughter. His shoulders shake and his eyes tear up without him really knowing why. Zeke looks alarmed but he hangs back, like he doesn’t know whether Mo wants him close or not. Mo definitely does.

“It’s not a gender thing, dude.” He says. “It’s a me thing.”

“Are you sure you don’t just think I’m ugly?” In any other company, this would get a laugh. It’s such a Zeke thing to say that anybody else would roll their eyes and take it with a pinch of salt. Mo doesn’t laugh. He knows that Zeke is being serious. He sighs.

“Do you know anything about asexuality?” It’s a long shot, but Zeke _is_ gay. Maybe he knows _something._

“Isn’t that, like, what plants do? To reproduce?”

Apparently not. 

Mo shifts closer to Zeke on the couch and kneels up so that he can fall right onto Zeke’s lap. Mo just wants to be close to him, and if Zeke is surprised then he doesn’t show it. He just holds Mo round the waist so that he doesn’t slide off and brushes a thumb tenderly over Mo’s cheekbone as he waits for an explanation.

“I think you’re beautiful, Zeke.” Mo says honestly. “You’re an amazing person, and I’m so proud of who you are and how far you’ve come and you should be too. And, like, yeah, you’re nice to look at as well. You’re aesthetic.” Mo feels the rumble of Zeke’s laugh against his chest. “I just don’t want to have sex. I want to… I want to hold your hand, and go on dates with you and all the shit we’ve been doing already. I love that. I love _you._ And if you don’t want to be with me because of this then I really do understand– okay? I promise I wouldn’t hold it against you. And I’ve wanted to tell you for ages and I’m sorry that it took so long. But I just… whatever happens, I always wanna be your friend.”

The words take something out of Mo. The speech leaves him tired and drained of energy. If Zeke has any other questions then they’ll have to wait until tomorrow because there’s no way Mo can stay awake long enough to answer them. 

He’s dreading the feeling of Zeke’s hand slipping out of his own. It feels inevitable, Zeke breaking up with him, but right now he wants nothing more than to go to bed with Zeke holding him, pressed together under a blanket like nothing is wrong with the world. Whatever, he can dream.

“Mo,” Zeke, on the other hand, seems very much awake. He sits up so suddenly that Mo almost lands on his ass on the floor. “I don’t want to break up with you, Jesus. Is that what you’re saying? You want to break up with me? Because if you do, you can just say it. I’m not gonna be _mad.”_

 _“No.”_ Mo doesn’t think he can make it much clearer. “I don’t want to break up with you at all. Like, ever. I _love_ you, Zeke. But… I get it if you do want to break up. Sex is an important part of relationships, it’s okay. If you stay with me…”

Mo sighs. He doesn’t know why he’s tempting fate like this, but if Zeke doesn’t understand all the facts properly then it feels like Mo is tricking him. He hates that feeling.

“If you stay with me, you’re doomed to a life of sad, lonely masturbation. Is that what you actually want, Zeke? Are you ever gonna be satisfied with that?”

He doesn’t realise that he’s crying - properly this time - until Zeke reaches out to brush away a tear. Mo’s chest shudders with emotion and he presses his face into Zeke’s chest until Zeke tilts his chin up and captures his gaze.

“Mo,” he says, quiet and insistent. “I don’t want to break up with you. I’d be lying if I said this wasn’t a huge surprise. I don’t think I’ve ever met a… what was it?”

“Asexual,” Mo fills in.

“Right. An asexual person. But if this is you, it’s you, Momo. I don't ever want to change you so that it’s more convenient for me, or anything like that. If you’re sure about this then that’s all that matters.” Mo feels so overwhelmed with love that he thinks his heart might burst with it. Zeke continues. “I don’t think I’ve ever loved anyone as much as I love you, Mo. Can I still kiss you? Is that okay?”

Mo has barely finished nodding before Zeke’s lips are on his. It’s a sweet kiss, chaste and simple. Zeke isn’t asking for anything more. It could just be because Mo’s face is blotchy and tear stained, but he’d rather believe there’s more to it than that. 

“I really do love you, Zeke,” Mo whispers. If he speaks any louder then his voice might break, and he’s embarrassed himself enough tonight.

“I know,” Zeke pets his hair. “Mo, I don’t know what’s gonna happen in the future, but I think we should give this a try. I don’t want to just give up. Is that alright?”

“Of course that’s alright, you idiot.” Mo laughs wetly, finally sliding off Zeke’s lap so that he’s sitting normally on the sofa again. Zeke doesn’t let go of his hand.

“Good,” he grins. “And I hope you’ve got nowhere else to be tonight, by the way. I love this film and you don’t get to leave until you’ve watched all of it.”

He unmutes the television just as something explodes on screen, loud and aggressive. There’s some unintelligible shouting and then a ripple of gunfire. Fantastic.

The things Mo does for love. 

  
  



End file.
